22 Musings

Valentines Day. For well over a month, even before February looms, us 20- something start putting our thoughts of love or the lack thereof out there. Be it through tireless twitter updates or ‘cool story’ facebook status’ we all seem to be obsessing about it.

Now, for someone who has never had a valentine , i  always wondered what the fuss was about. EVERYONE i know or have become acquainted with seems to obsess on the issue.

The lonely ones get desperate, the ones in the early stages of dating become nervous that they might not be considered that important come the 14th , and the ones in relationships plan elaborate nights for their partners to show them (and everybody else honestly ) how perfect their relationship is.

I for instance, over the last  four years, have made it a point of duty to not set foot out of the safe space of my room. Last year, i opted for a night in with my bestfriend Courtney, a Pint of Rocky Road Ice Cream, The Notebook DVD ( which i had never seen until that night) and 2 blunts afterwards (was still in college).

So exactly what is it about this day that makes otherwise rational human beings like myself act a little nuts? Are we afraid of what being single on valentines day could represent? Could it be that even with a lot more years  of dating and heartbreak ahead of us we are still deathly afraid that in the long run, just as we are now, we might end up alone not just on Valentines Day but forever?

What does Valentines Day really represent?

Is it a day to bask in the security of love that we have found ?

OR

Should it be a day for us to realize that , in the grand scheme of things, the most important relationship we should  really worry about, is the one we have with ourselves?

Rather than stat off by apologizing for the embarrassing dearth of posts over the last few months, im just going to dive right into it.

The thing about life is that when you seem to be going through a lot of experiences all at once, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep track of all the thoughts in your head. More so, its harder to qualitate what thoughts should be regarded as a cause for concern or are just trivial musings of a very tired young adult.

In a nutshell, the past few months havent been great. Rather than bore you with all the little details, ill leave it at this…

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING.

I have however gotten two internships under my belt which i guess is a good thing, but i am no closer to getting an actual job/ work visa than i was when i first got here.

I think what scares me is that the more time i spend here, the more i am extremely unsure of what i want to do with my life. 

You see, when you spend enough time in New York , especially after college, you realize a few things about yourself. For me, it has been:

• Doing New York alone is extremely hard
• I know exactly the kind of life i want…NO,  that i NEED for myself 
• its much harder to make friends after college
• Im basically undateable and i dont see that status changing anytime soon ( im too weird or something)

Bullet points and pointless musings aside, after I realized that i was no closer to achieving my dream (whatever it may be) i started having this sinking feeling in the very depths of my soul. It was only today that i finally figured out how to quantify those thoughts; 

Two sets of questions . Each attached to life-changing answers.

You see, when faced with the reality that your Ideal Life is in real Jeopardy, one must ask;

Do regular people really get to live their dreams?

or the even more haunting thought,

Is the purpose of my life to serve as a cautionary tale to others who dare to dream? 

Guess, Ill just wait it out

To say that my life has been a crazy, light filled, fast paced whirlwind would definitely be a huge personal understatement. Rather than bore you with all my personal issues, im just going to drop some words of wisdom from a slightly neurotic, over-analytical mind.

Ive had to encounter a lot the last few months. Through it all, all i can say is that, you can ony really count on God and yourself.  You have the power, to single-handedly make all your dreams come true, and you also possess the self-destructive gene that can ensure your morale and dreams  are majorly crushed

Heres what ive learned the last few months

• The heart always wants what it cant seemingly get. When that happens, think with your head.
• There is nothing noble about being broke. Map out your survival and think of smart ways to make money.
• Feelings are good but they can make you weak.
• Fashion can change even the strongest of individuals. At some point, what you start putting on the outside will eventually push the inside to sync with it. 
• Never pass up the opportunity to embark on an adventure with someone new.
• Love will arrive exactly when you’re ready. stop chasing it.
• Friends are the most important accessories you can ever have. without them, you’d go insane. FACT

Im changing everyday, i need more ways to inspire myself and ill find my inspiration exactly where im meant to.

Im rambling in my head always. Trying to live the legendary.

D

I finally got an internship at a fashion PR firm. I definitely appreciate this step. There is pride in working towards and finally getting something done for yourself. I start in about a week and I am pretty eager to see what exactly it is that I am capable of doing.

As for the New York Checklist; job, relationship and apartment, I can say ive started making moves to start checking things off. Love is still a couple of hurdles away. I believe it is irresponsible to let someone into your life and you into theirs when there are so many loose ends in your psyche and heart that need to be tied and held together. Just keep it light have fun and move from there.  Most importantly, get yourself wholly together.

Think of your life as a mirror. If you let it get shattered, some shards of it will be too sharp to put back together or too small to matter. What you end up with, even after attempting to fix this mirror, is an imperfect product which will never show a perfect image of what is really there. 

Sometimes it might be appealing to run around the city like a crazy person trying to make someone love you. What usually ends up happening however is that you begin to look and feel just  like a crazy person chasing after something that, if you had only  let it, would have come looking for you instead.

Breathe that in yuppies, your life is just getting started

D

There are people that  you meet that make your day better. They dont have to be your bestfriend or you dont even have to see them everyday, but when you do interact with them, they incite a good feeling. When you interact with them; be it about mindless banter or simple topics, you feel a sense of warmth and reciprocated respect for them. These people are called FRIENDS. Inya was just that. Always the life of the party, always excited to help his friends celebrate milestones in their life which he did for me and all of his friends in May right before graduation. We had our Nigerian backgrounds in common and that made for a common topic which we always found delight and banter in. I saw Inya last when i was packing up my apartment, he was slated to graduate this weekend but yesterday, my friend died. I dont live my life according to shoulda , woulda, coulda’s but i do wish  Inya could see all the love people had for him and all the peoples lives he had touched.Maybe things would have been different. Inya was a gentle giant and he will remain that way in my memory and heart; infectious laughter, playful smiles, bowties and all. Sleep well friend. Theres no need to say goodbye . You’ll come back anytime my memory calls you.

What do you do when your life has you pressed against a wall with nowhere to go? I have absolutely no idea but i feel like im about to find out. Had two interviews and im waiting to hear back from them with fingers crossed and a dull ache in my stomach.

Yesterday, i got to talking to some older New Yorkers who had been through  every kind of life imaginable. There were long term relationships, amazng jobs, love lost, love gained and children along he way. It made me think to myself ” Am i really living?’ I mean, i havent even ever been on a real date or even had a real job! For some reason i just havent been able to land one. Dating for me is kind of like saving up for a pair of Louboutin loafers; You know with time, youll get it, but until then its still a dream.

I am a strange on though. I may bitch and complain about how lonely i am, but when faced with the slightest possibility of getting to know someone better, I freak! I dont know why, i just do. 

Thats enough about romance, maybe im supposed to find a job first, get an apartment and then the love will come when its supposed to.

“In New York, they say you’re always looking for a job, or an apartment”- Carrie Bradshaw

Im looking for all of the above and something much more sacred; pure, unadulterated happiness and content. Until i get there, ill just keep myself happy with some of life’s simple pleasure like a pair of brand new shoes.

D

I. Need . My. Own. Apartment!

I appreciate that ive been slowly eased into New York by living only fifteen minutes out, but its time i got my own place. Granted, thats going to be next to impossible being that i currently do not have a paying job , but the more i think about it, the more determined i get to magically procure a means to make that dream possible. Im almost 22. im meant to be out on the town almost every night living wildly and making horrible decisions. All these experiences are to make me a stronger and more learned person.

Theres nothing like living your life on your own terms and being accountable to no one but God. We have brains and free will for a reason; that we may know whats good and bad for us and love and act upon the better option of the two. Till i can finally say  that i am fully independent, i will not be a genuinely happy camper. Your Joie De Vivre or your joy from living should be on your terms and it should not be dictated by rules of another. If it is, you have succeeded to let yourself get mentally jailed. There is nothing cute about being held captive without the use of physical restraints. its pathetic

 This simple notion should be a motivating factor for success . So i think its time for some success to flutter my way and let me bask in it. Apartments, fun nights and the people will come exactly on my terms. WHen that happens, New York City will be forced to endure a D****a takeover.

Thinking about something new always

D

at the risk of starting off sensationally, let me just start by saying.. This is Carrie Bradshaw. 

I love Carrie Bradshaw. Ive been told i am  the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. I believed aforementioned comparisons and delighted in it ( its so far from the truth) . I came to NY thinking i was going to be just like Carrie; running around in gorgeous clothes looking for a dark haired lover to call my own while working a flexible, fancy job that put me right in the middle of Manhattan’s glittery social scene. Carrie is a beacon of hope for any struggling fashionista.Her character leads us  to believe that if we are fabulous enough, we will make it in the big city and find the kind of love she found with Mr Big; the kind of love that make the best stories. 

However, Carrie is fictional; a character created by Michael Patrick KIng and moulded by writers to give single women and young gays what they needed to believe in at the time. This simple realisation which i came to on my own ,after numerous walks around the city and quick cute sprints across busy streets à la Ms. Bradshaw, has been a huge wake up call. New York isnt all glitz and glamour. Its hard. Really hard. According to modern day statistics, Ms. Bradshaw wouldnt have been able to afford this with her Job.

.

 Furthermore, the designer clothes would have been next to impossible to afford and the $950 that she had in her savings account could have easily been dissolved in a fabulous New York minute. So i couldn’t help but wonder, ( see what i did there?) is our darling Carrie synonymous to a fairytale? Is Carrie’s story a pseudo magical fable that has become embedded in the yuppie culture, inspiring young adults to let the little bit of fabulosity within take over and make us great ? Its very easy to write off Bradshaw’s escapades as a slice of unlivable fiction, but what good would that do? I  suggest we just take a few lessons from our immortalized single gal and live a little; quirks, pouts, labels and all, looking for the one great love and experiencing what it really means to be young, beautiful and innately fabulous in the city. :)

Cue Moon RIver as i lay me down to sleep.

ill leave you with this golden nugget from Ms Know-it-all Bradshaw that seems just fitting. 

“That’s another reason I love New York. Just like that, it can go from bad to cute.” -Carrie Bradshaw

Have a good day tomorrow and ill have a better one.

Night Dreamers,

D

I havent posted in a bit. DUH. im getting back on it though. In lieu of  all that has NOT been going on , i just felt that there wasn’t much to report. But to be very honest, ALOT has been going on. There has been a lot of reflective walks through the city and a blinding realization of what i really want to be.  Its really all we all want. For the sole reason of not completely letting you all into my mind ( im cautious), i will not divulge what that is.I know however, that each time i leave the city , each time i look at the skyline across the Hudson river, the longing, the thirst, the intense need to make the city my playground heightens.Ill get there. Its in sight but the clock is ticking and im running out of time.

When faced with adversity or a time crunch, even the meekest of lambs become feral beasts. Im almost at that point. 

Gritting my teeth and seething in silence,

D

My last post was a bit of a downer. No apologies because, it was real then. After spending the weekend in my thoughts and finally deciding to stop throwing a pity party, I watched Ted, decided that my life is actually exciting and I moved on. About Monday ? Well the usual job apps and sitting around . Oh I forgot to mention that I welcomed a new member to my family this weekend …too bad that heifer resides on my FACE ( it’s a blasted pimple). I’m off to go get my wannabe fro cut and hopefully bump into some celebrity in the process cuz let me just say, I look amazing today! Trust you all are having fun at work? ( chances are you’re probably not being that you’re reading this blog.Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Get back to work!!)

Go take a shot after work y’all ,

the week is JUST starting

rubbing it in your face and smiling,

D